You might think that Elijah has it all
by kianamoore
Summary: Eli Goldsworthy is the charming new kid at Degrassi Community School. He's got it all: The witty sarcasm, blinding smile, and a cool car. But he's hoarding a secret. Can he keep it when he meets her? This is my very first story. Eclare Please read and review :) DISCLAIMER: I don't own Degrassi
1. Chapter 1

**The New Kid**

 **Chapter One**

"What the fuck am I doing here?" I thought aloud to myself when the realization of where I was hit me square in the face. I'm watching, from the back of the church pews, Julia's parents crying quietly next to a medium sized casket. Shit, it really did happen. I walk slowly towards them and they give me a quick glare and go back to mourning their beautiful daughter. Whatever, they hated me when Julia was alive. Why would they suddenly love me when she was dead, especially since this was all my fault? I walk right past them to the casket to see the love of my life one last time. She was dressed head to toe in her normal attire. My lovely girlfriend wore a black skull and crossbones bow in her long, flat ironed-straight jet black hair, the flattering black and red corset dress she wore when I took her to the tenth grade sweetheart's dance, her favourite fishnet stockings and her black Doc Martens she got at the Goodwill in eighth grade. Damn. She even looked good dead. I was afraid that her parents would have opted out of her normal wear and dressed her in something you'd find in a Catholic Church sermon, but maybe they wanted to honour their daughter as a final plea for their acceptance. Julia's parents, "The Carson's", were not a fan of the way she, or I for the matter, dressed or the music she liked. They were straight edged and were always trying to make Julia that way. God I miss her. I placed a black rose in her hand and walked toward the big church doors, shuffling past the grim glares my classmates were burning at me.

I woke up in my new bed, in my new house, very abruptly. My body and blanket were damp from the sweat that occurred from my nightmare the night before. My alarm was going off and that signaled that I have exactly thirty minutes to get myself decent and off to my new school. I groan out loud and look at the clock. 7:30 am on a Monday morning. There really is no God. I take a quick, five minute shower and throw a comb through my long, wet dyed black hair and eat a banana. I grab the keys to my car off the living room table and start to head outside. My parents are still asleep and I throw an angry glance at the lucky bastards. My parents, Bullfrog and Cece, are shock jocks at the radio station here in Toronto, Ontario. They were previously the SJs at a local station in our old town in British Columbia. We moved last week in hopes that my depression would get better if I wasn't constantly reminded of my girlfriend who had passed away a few months prior. But no such luck, you can't win everything I guess. This was all new for me, the life being flipped upside for me. I had it all going for me. Great, supportive parents, amazing friends, and an incredibly gorgeous girlfriend. But my life changed in a blink of an eye. And now I, Elijah Evan Goldsworthy, was going to be the new emo kid freak at my new high school. "I can't wait to see what kind of people Degrassi Community School has waiting for me", I spat sarcastically.

I quickly unlock my car, which is fucking awesome by the way, and plug my phone into the auxiliary jack. I drive a 1962 Miller Meteor-Bodied Cadillac Hearse and it was my pride and joy. I bought it myself last summer when I turned sixteen. I had saved up all my money I made working at the local Dairy Queen. I hated that job and the fact that I had to turn down every concert that summer to save every penny that I made. My parents were awesome, but they never spoiled me. Of course I had food to eat and clothes to wear but my extracurriculars were all on me. It drove me crazy every once in a while, but I understood they were just trying to make me responsible. God were they wrong. I'm half way to school now and I barely noticed because I was so engrossed in the song playing through my surround system. _I've said it once, I've said it twice, I've said it a thousand fucking times. That I'm okay, that I'm fine, that it's all just in my mind. But this has got the best of me, and I can't seem to sleep. It's not cause you're not with me, its cause you never leave._ I scream the Bring Me the Horizon song as loud as my voice will let me. It's much better to come off angry than it is depressed. I finally pull up at my new high school and decide right then that my junior year will be the worst. I park my hearse in a parking spot and slowly descend into hell. "Let's do this shit", I say out loud to no one in particular.

I find my locker quickly even though I have never been in this building before. That's just the way it is for me. Things have always came easy to me. Julia's death is what finally balanced out my life. I got what was coming to me. I was putting my black messenger bag in my locker when this small, freakishly girly looking boy suddenly taps me on the shoulder. "Hey! My name is Adam. My locker is next to yours so it looks like we're going to seeing each other a lot- I'm new here and just looking for friends. Dude!". The small boy punches me in the shoulder and smiles at me like I'm his favourite celebrity. "Err. Hey there…dude? I'm Eli. Nice to meet you". "Wait up," Adam calls out for me again, "What class are you going to? I have math with Armstrong, do you?". "Um yeah I do". I didn't really expect people to want to hang around me, usually my emo look scares people off and I was kind of hoping for that. At least for the first day. "Is it okay if I walk with you? My older brother Drew is a senior and said that if I hang around him all day he might pound me". Wow, Adam's brother sounds like a faggot. "Sure, man". Ugh. I can't believe that I am a junior in all sophomore classes. The only junior level class I have this year is second period English. I guess my schoolwork took a back burner last May when Julia died. During math, I really started talking to Adam. He actually was pretty cool, we liked a lot of the same music and movies. But there was something a little weird about him. But maybe that's just his "thing". Like my look was my "thing". Sigh, and Julia's. I have got to stop thinking about her, it's been months since she has passed and I didn't need to be depressed here. Especially when my parents packed up their wholes lives so I could have a fresh start. _Even though I didn't ask for a "fresh start"_ , I thought to myself bitterly.

Adam and I darted out of the classroom when the bell rang, we walked to our lockers together quickly. I told him my next class was eleventh grade English, the only one we didn't have together, and told him goodbye and I'd see him later. I walked into the room whose door had read "MRS. DAWES". At least I actually like English, this class should be alright this year. The wirily woman at the blackboard I assumed was Mrs. Dawes. She called back to me and whoever was behind to take a seat anywhere we liked. I picked a seat towards the back, not the very back. _I don't want Mrs. Dawes to think I'm a troublemaker on my very first day ever at DCS_ , I smirked in my head sarcastically. Teachers loved me naturally, girls fawned over me, and parents thought I was perfect. When except for her parents of course. But those fuckers had issues all their own. By the time the bell rang, the classroom was full and Mrs. Dawes had started talking. She was saying something about a student in the tenth grade joining the class. I was too busy painting my nails with my black sharpie to pay attention to whoever the applause was for. For the rest of the class, we read _Romeo and Juliet_ by William Shakespeare and of course my head went directly to her. She was fucking everywhere. Guilt was never going to escape me.

The rest of the day went by in a blur. It wasn't an unbearable day by any means, but I was glad to be going home. I walk toward Morty, that's what I call my hearse, and start him up. Hey, he actually started easily this time. Morty had a habit of breaking down often and I was always working on him. I didn't mind though, I loved that thing. I plug my phone in and begin searching for something to listen to for the ride home. I finally settled on one and started to exit the parking lot. _I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut. My weakness is that I care too much. And my scars remind me that the past is real, I tear my heart open just to feel_ is blasting through the speakers and I'm bopping my head, pretending I'm at a private concert rather than a high school parking lot. I feel something under Morty's tire and hear a loud "CRUNCHHH". Fuck, what did I hit? I quickly get out of the car to see a broken pair of glasses and two cute girls standing in front of me. "I think they're dead", I said oozing of sarcasm. I held out the broken glasses in front of the two girls, to no one in particular, trying to figure out who they belong to. "I don't wear glasses, fortunately", the first girl said after an awkward moment of silence. She was definitely pretty. Obviously of Middle Eastern descent, she had long dark brown hair, sultry eyes and her body was shown off in the skimpiest of outfits. Not my type at all. The other girl however, was drop dead gorgeous. She had short, curly brown hair and these deep blue eyes that I could stare at forever. She wore a baggy grey sweatshirt and even baggier grey sweatpants. She looked nothing like Julia. And I didn't even care, I couldn't take my eyes off of her.

She muttered something about laser eye surgery and how she didn't need them anymore. I flatly said without thinking, "You have pretty eyes". UGH. Why would I say that, I don't even know her name. And she's not Julia. "T-thanks. See you around?" she stuttered. "Maybe you will." I gave her a little wink and went back to Morty. I probably looked like an idiot and sounded like one too. I had never had such an instant feeling for a girl since I met Julia in the eighth grade, and that was a long time ago. The song changed and I wasn't even listening to it, I couldn't get those sea blue eyes out of my mind. They were tantalizing my every thought and before I knew it, I was home. I park Morty in the driveway and unlock the front door. My parents will be home late, like usual. I throw my keys on the coffee table in the living room and see a twenty dollar bill and a note. The note read "Eli-bear, Bullfrog and I won't be home in time for dinner, we have a long night tonight. Order a pizza, clean up the kitchen, and do your homework. We love you baby and we'll see you in the morning! Love Cece". Cool, I love pizza nights. I know their job pays well but damn, I wish I could see my mom when I get home from school every day. I love my parents and wish I could spend more time with them. I order my pizza and wait for it to arrive. I open my laptop and click my favourite web browser open. I type in FaceRange and search Adam Torres. I add him as a friend and start looking through Degrassi student users. I see the same girl with the sapphire eyes. Her name is Clare Edwards. Oh my god, even her name is beautiful.

In her profile picture, she's standing in a background that has a giant, obnoxious wooden cross. Great. The girl is a Christian. There goes every shot I thought I had with her. I take a closer look at the picture, she's wearing a tight flowery dress and a matching headband. She looked so put together, _so perfectly gorgeous_ , I added silently in my head. But she looks so different than when we met in the parking lot today. After school she looked like she just got done running a marathon, hell maybe she did. I didn't know a thing about this supposedly perfect, Christian sweetheart, Clare Edwards. Whatever. She's not my type anyway, and I'm sure Julia wouldn't like it if I was having thoughts for another girl, especially one who looked like she belonged at a 1960's sock hop. I grimaced sinisterly, _Julia's dead and it's all your fault, and she doesn't give a fuck anymore._ I'm startled by a knock at the door, oh right. Pizza. I hand the delivery boy the twenty and close the door. I finish my dinner, I clean the kitchen, and I head off to my bedroom. I didn't have any homework so I continued my FaceRange stalking for a couple of hours more. The more I look at her, the more engrossed I am. I fall asleep staring at her pictures. I wake up to my alarm going off again.

Ugh. This is going to be a long year.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

My alarm pierced through the room as I struggled to regain consciousness. Last night was the first time since Julia died that I didn't dream about her. The last thing I remember before finally passing out was a big pair of deep, smoldering, ocean-coloured eyes burning into my frontal lobe. Did I dream of Clare? No, surely I couldn't have been dreaming about another girl when my girlfriend had not even been dead four months. I sat up in my bed, trying to recall what I _did_ dream about; I couldn't remember. I went downstairs to find my mother making pancakes and bacon for my father and I. "Hey baby! How was your night? I'm sorry we weren't able to have dinner together, so I decided to wake up early so I can make you breakfast!". "Mom-err, CeCe, I really don't have time to eat breakfast, I don't even have time to shower this morning". _God, calling my mom by her first name gets real annoying, real quick. But she insists.._ "That's okay, I figured you could skip your first period and have breakfast with us. I kind of already called the school and said you'd be late. I hope you don't mind." She looked kind of sheepish and I know she means well. A half mooned smirk spreads across my face and I take my designated seat at our humble kitchen table. "Thanks Cece, I really appreciate it. I love you guys". After breakfast, I take my time getting ready. I'm already late right? I take a shower and I blow out my long black locks. I use my handy flat iron that I haven't touched in months. _In three and a half months to be exact_ , I think to myself again. _Will Julia ever leave my fucking head? She's left the earth and I mourned for her. But do I really deserve to mourn the rest of my life._ "Of course I do", I muttered softly. With my hair impeccably straight, I swipe a couple of dark lines on my eyelids. I used to wear eyeliner back home in British Columbia and everyone loved it. I threw on my favourite outfit: My skinniest black skinny jeans that I got at Hot Topic on a clearance rack, a metal looking Alesana band tee, and my black Doc Martens that were identical to the ones that Julia was buried in. I took another quick look in my bathroom mirror and headed out to leave for school.

I kiss my mom and tell my father goodbye; they were just going to lay down for the day. I had fifteen minutes to get to second period. I start Morty up and head over to Degrassi for my second day. _Am I more than you bargained for yet? I've been dyin' to tell you anything you want to hear, cause that's just who I am this week._ Fall out boy's been one of my favourite bands for as long as I could remember and I'm singing along to the poppy beat as well as I could. I pull up in a spot and dash into the school to receive my late slip. I made it just in time for second period to start and the bell rings as soon as I walk through the doorway. I go to take my seat and realize that someone is in the seat directly behind mine. "Holy fuck", I accidently said out loud. Clare fucking Edwards, my new fascination is sitting at the desk behind me. "What was that Mr. Goldsworthy? You're already late, you don't need a detention for cursing aloud in my classroom on top of that. And it's only your second day! Take your seat so I can begin." I didn't even apologize to Mrs. Dawes due to pretty much being in shock. Before I sit down I take a quick peak at Clare and my knees start to buckle. _You can get through this class without looking like a total idiot, Eli. Just be cool, be your normal self,_ I give myself a mental pep talk. I can feel a pair of eyes on the back of my head. Was Clare staring at me? "Clare, would you please read the next scene from _Romeo and Juliet_ to the class for us?" Obeying Mrs. Dawes request, Clare stands from her seat and begins reading without looking from her book. _She knows Shakespeare by heart? Impressive._ "O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse they name; or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet!" My mouth drops open and I turn all the way around to get a better look at this classic beauty reciting one of the most tragic love stories of all time. "'Tis but thy name that is my enemy; thou art thyself, though not a Montague. What's Montague? It is nor hand, nor foot belonging to a man.." This is where I decided, I had to kiss her.

I spent the rest of English class daydreaming of Clare. I woke when the bell rang and turned around to say hello to Clare, but she was already gone. I head to my next class and start planning my ambush. Lunch finally arrives and I retreat to the cafeteria to find a certain pair of pretty blue eyes. I spot her at table with the girl she was with yesterday. I'm halfway to her table and feel myself being jerked in the opposite direction. "Hey! Where were you at lunch yesterday? I was going to see if we could have sit together but you totally went AWOL". I recognize Adam's small, feminine voice and remember we talked all day yesterday. "Oh, I really like to just sit in my car during lunch. You know, and listen to music? But today I thought I'd be a normal person and socialize", I reply pretty lamely. Adam leads us to an open table and begins ranting about his stupid ballroom dance class and how it's totally queer and barbaric. To be honest, I really wasn't listening. After about five minutes of pretend-listening I interrupt him, "Hey who's that?" pointing at Clare's table. "That's Aliah Bhandari and Clare Edwards. But Aliah goes by Ali" Adam says while chewing his food. "Dude, that's so gross. Hm. Clare." "Wait, you have a thing for Clare?" "No, of course not. I don't even know her", I try to cover up the question. I think Clare realizes I was staring at her because her eyes flash to me briefly and I give her one of my famous half smile smirks. She turns a delicious shade of pink and turns her head back to her friend. I can't wait to make her blush every day for the rest of my life.

I can't help but feel guilty for the rest of the day. I didn't think about Julia the whole time I was at school. I knew it didn't make any sense for me to care so much about what Julia thought, because she was dead. Literally six feet under the ground, she had no idea who Clare was and that I thought I was in love with her. Julia and I didn't believe in an afterlife and I knew that she was wasn't looking down at me, judging from Heaven. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I cared so much if she was upset that I was pining for Clare. And she would never know. Julia was my girlfriend for two and a half years and I loved her. But could I love Clare like I loved Julia? I don't know if that's possible. I made this drive home from school a silent one. My temples ached from thinking so much today. I came home to an empty house. Again. I go to the kitchen to myself dinner and I eat while watching television. I take out the student directory and open my laptop. I sign into to my IM and search Clare's name on the directory. I send an IM to her and hold my breath until I get a reply

 **eligolds123:** hey, I'm Eli. the kid who broke your glasses. and i'm in your english class.

 **clareedwards:** Hello, nice to formally meet LOL I'm Clare.

 **eligolds123:** let's sit together tomorrow during lunch?

 **clareedwards:** Sure, meet in the café? (:

 **clareedwards has signed off**

My heart felt like I just ran a marathon. I could feel my heartbeat through my ears. I go up to my bedroom and throw on my headphones. I quickly turn my ipod on and let the lyrics of Eyes Set to Kill flow to my ears. _Sip my blood till there's no blood left to spill from my neck, embraced by a concealed grip I welcomed in my arms, in my arms. In my arms. Bruised by your love, burned by your kiss. Is this true love? Is this true love._ I went over what I was going to talk to Clare about tomorrow. I was drawing blanks and I was scared shitless.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

I didn't sleep at all; every time I tried to close my eyes, I'd see Clare's bright, brilliant eyes. And I'd want to throw up all over again. I was terrified that I was going to mess this all up. I decided to get up an hour earlier than necessary to dress myself accordingly. I took a quick look in the mirror and headed out the door. I thought about grabbing breakfast but then passed on it. I didn't really feel like throwing up chucks on the way to school. I got into my car and tried to turn it over. Nothing. "Of fucking course, Morty! On all days for you to break down. This is just great." I scrambled to get the battery charger I kept in the garage for occasions like this. I jumpstart Morty and he fired right up. "Damn hearse. I love you, man but you can't keep doing this to me." I make it to school on time for a change and met up with Adam at our lockers. "Hey, Adam. How was your day yesterday?" Adam was jumpy and shoved something in his locker and slammed the door. "Er, hey man. It was alright. Are we doing lunch today?" "Actually, I'm going to have lunch with Clare today. She's in my English class and we thought we could you know, work on our papers together." "Oh, well that's awesome" Adam's eyes went as wide as an owls' "IM me tonight with the deets!" Adam seemed legitimately surprised when I told him I was having lunch with Clare. Did he really think that I didn't have a chance with her? "For sure man. I'll talk to you later, Adam." All throughout math, I was dreaming about English class. More specifically, English class with Clare Edwards. When that bell rang, I dashed out of that classroom so fast I could have probably set a school record for the sixty yard dash. I got to English early and waited for Clare to sit down. She sat in her usual seat right behind me and in her musical voice, she said hello. I greeted her back and gave her a full teeth grin. Mrs. Dawes started class and gave out a writing prompt. This will be due tomorrow, no exceptions. No less than two pages and must have a clear, concise thesis. The prompt read: **Write about a controversial world issue and how it can be regulated. Use supporting evidence and use citations.** _Easy enough, I hope this class gets challenging soon,_ I thought inside my head. At my old school, I was known for being the best writer in my grade. I turned around to Clare and gestured to the writing prompt. "Maybe we can start working on this at lunch, pitching ideas?" "Sure, that sounds great. Let's go to The Dot for coffee", she gave a quick, sweet smile. _Score!_ We were still in the _Romeo and Juliet_ chapter and Mrs. Dawes was picking randoms to read aloud. I tried my best to pay attention but I couldn't get Clare's smile to fade from my memory.

Lunch time came around and I searched the café for Clare. Our eyes met and she sauntered towards me. "Are you ready? If we want to get to The Dot by the end of lunch, we'll need to start walking now." "Who says we're walking?" I said pretty sarcastically. She looked pretty confused so I led her to the parking lot and showed her Morty. "We're taking my car, Blue eyes." "Um. I do not think so. You really expect me to ride in something that carried dead people?!" "Edwards, it's just a car. You'll be fine, I promise." _Ugh, this already isn't going well. I would have never had to worry about this with Julia. She was ecstatic when I bought Morty. She wanted to take prom pictures with him for fucks sake._ She took a deep breath and reluctantly said alright. I walk around and open her door to let her in and slowly shut it as she buckles her seat belt. I get in and immediately plug my phone in. I let a song fill the hearse while her distaste for metal became painfully obvious. "Um, Eli? Do you mind if I play a song?" What. "Yeah, like I really want to listen to Taylor Swift." She gave a wicked smile and swiftly unplugged my phone from the auxiliary and plugged hers in. She picked a song and turned the volume up a little bit. _I had a dream last night, we drove out to see Las Vegas. We lost ourselves in the bright lights, I wish you could have seen us. Begging for Change to get home, or at least San Francisco. Let's put a ten on the high card and spend a summer on the west coast._ My favourite Mayday Parade song was blasting through the subwoofers and girl I may or may not be in love with singing at the top of her lungs. _Okay so her taste in music doesn't completely suck_. I smile at her in approval. "I love this song!" I scream over the music at her. She smiles back and says "I do too. One of my favourite bands!" We arrive at The Dot café and pick a seat. I ask her how she takes her coffee. "Three sugars and two creams please." I go up to order our drinks and return back to her. She's already hard at work creating an outline. She hands me her outline and says, "I thought about doing my paper on gun control. Something simple yet still super controversial. What do you think?" Our coffees arrive and I quickly scan her outline. _Oh my fucking God. This is worst, most poorly written outline I have ever read._ Even though my head is saying something different, I say, "Um, this is a good start. But this doesn't have any you in it. It's all facts." "It's a research paper. It's not an opinion piece, its gun control, pretty cut and dry if you ask me", she retorted. "Yeah, it's a research paper but who said you can't add your own personal voice to a research paper. Clare, if you just spew out facts at Mrs. Dawes, I don't think you're going to like your resulting grade." I could tell that she was offended by what I was telling her, but I really was just being plain honest. She gave me an adorable scowl, one with which I replied with my famous alluring smirk. I could almost actually taste the swoon in the air. "We should probably head back to Degrassi now." Her face was a tomato red and she threw a couple of dollars down on the table to pay for her drink. I quickly scooped her money and threw it back at her. I threw a twenty dollar bill on the table. "No, no Blue Eyes. I always pay for the first date." I said as sarcastically as I could manage without vomiting. I gave her my most smug smile and led her out the door.

"Thanks for the coffee, Eli. And for the help on the paper. It was really cool of you to help someone you barely know." She smiled at me and started to walk back to her locker. The ride to school from The Dot was a silent one, but not in a hideously awkward sort of way. It almost felt right, Clare in the passenger seat with my right beside her. I liked the way it felt, almost a little too much. "It was fun, English is sort of a passion for me." Her face lit up, "Really? It's one of mine too. Maybe we can hang out this weekend? I'll see you tomorrow!" My head was spinning. _Did she just basically ask me out? Or was she just being friendly?_ My heart felt like it was on fire. If I had any doubts about Clare Edwards, they were all gone now. I knew that Clare was now the love of my life. The rest of the school day was a complete blur. It was so surreal, like I was now lucid dreaming or something. I go home and start my homework. I finish my English paper in less than two hours and I hop on my IM. I had a couple waiting on me to answer:

 **adamT11:** hey, man. How was your lunch date with clare?

 **clareedwards:** Hi, Eli. I was just wanted to thank you again for your help today. I think I finally got my paper right. How's yours coming along?

 **jennasmiles:** Hiii. I got your IM from the student directory. I'm Jenna (:

Okay so I got three new IMs. One from Adam, one from Clare, and one from someone named Jenna. I quickly respond to Adam's IM, telling him that I will explain everything tomorrow. I ignore whoever that Jenna person is, I only had eyes for Clare. And I save Clare's IM for last.

 **eligolds123:** hey clare. like is said earlier, you don't have to thank me. I was doing my civil duty or whatever helping you. (ha ha). I finished my paper just a few minutes ago. maybe you can come over and read it?

I was waiting anxiously for Clare's reply. I had no idea how she felt about coming over to my house. Especially since we've only known each other for two days. Three if you count me running over her glasses. Finally, after about three minutes of painful waiting, she replied.

 **clareedwards:** I'd love to Eli, but I can't tonight. I have to go to this church thing with my Mom. I'll see you in class tomorrow, k?

 **clareedwards has signed off**

I sighed, a little disappointed. But I tried to shake out of it, it's not the end of the world, right? "She said she would see me tomorrow. That counts for something, right? I mean she wouldn't say that if she didn't mean it, right? She wouldn't voluntary want to IM me if she didn't like me, right?" I start ranting out loud to myself until I cause myself to hyperventilate. "Can you please get yourself together, Elijah? Please, Clare is going to love you. I mean, just because she didn't want to come over tonight does not mean she does not like you. I mean it's eight at night, on a school night. Her parents probably have rules about leaving the house on school nights. You just need to calm yourself down." I go to my bedroom and lock the door behind me. I find a wooden box beneath my bed and pull out a small sandwich baggie. I grab the little bud and stuck in the tiny, silver grinder. I placed the now grounded up bits and started filling my pipe. I lit it up and sucked in hard. It's been a few weeks since I last smoked pot. The familiar, warm feeling starts filling up my lungs. I hold in the smoke until I feel it going to my head. I blow out a strong cloud of herb and I already feel better. I try only to smoke when my anxiety is too far gone to control; my parents didn't really approve of it and it wasn't a fight I really wanted to have tonight. I took a few more deep hits off the pipe and decide I was relaxed enough to finally try to sleep. I lit a couple of incense sticks in my bedroom to mask most of the pot smell. My parents are still probably going to know and I'll most likely hear about it in the morning, but at least I can sleep tonight. After not sleeping the day before and my mind going wild, I needed a little push. I take a shower and head to bed. I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

I wake up feeling more refreshed than I had in a long time. I knew that it wasn't right to self-medicate with pot, but damn I never slept better. I worried myself into an oblivion last night obsessing over Clare; I think I was more worried about _not_ obsessing over Julia. Since I have met Clare, Julia really hasn't crossed my mind as much and it's making me wonder if I ever loved her at all. If I really loved her, could I just forget all about her as soon as I met some sophomore girl with sapphire coloured eyes? I haven't been able to talk to my parents about this because they're never fucking home. I understand that they go to work because they have bills to pay and food to buy, but I miss them terribly. I try to be a good sport because they did uproot and leave the only town we've ever known all because of me. I get ready for school and dig through my bedroom for my favourite sweater: it's a dark grey and cable knit. It was a gift from my parents for my sixteen birthday. I find my black skinny jeans and my black, slip on vans. I brush my teeth and run a comb through my hair and head out for school. I start Morty up and thankfully he gave no protest. I lit a Marlboro that I stole from Bullfrog and quickly find a song. _Imagine where you'd be now if you only knew, if you only knew. The one you love is the one who's killing you; I trusted you too much. I know now that I should have kept my eyes wide open the first time that we kissed, I'll bury you for this_. I studied the Alesana song carefully while indulging my cigarette; I hardly ever smoked, but every once in a while a cigarette is almost a better high than weed. I tossed the butt out the window and prepared for another day at Degrassi.

I saw Adam out in the parking with his older brother. Drew Torres is basically a typical jock. He was tan, good looking, athletic, but not too intelligent. I haven't ever spoke to him, but I hated him instantly. "Hey man! You must be Eli." Drew greeted me a little too energetically. "I'm Drew, I'm Grace-er, Adam's older brother. I've heard a lot about you." Well that was a little weird. _Who the fuck is Grace?_ "Yeah, I'm Eli. I've heard a lot about you too. Adam and I have gotten pretty close this week. He's like my only friend, haha." I didn't really like having to make small talk with a guy I had absolutely nothing in common. "Hey Adam, are you ready to get to class?" I finally broke the conversation and looked to him with pleading eyes, I desperately needed to talk to him about Clare. "Yeah, let's go. We only have about ten minutes to get to our lockers and all the way to Math." Thank God he didn't object. As we were walking to our lockers I decided to dish about my lunch date with Clare. "You know how I told you I didn't have a crush on Clare Edwards? Well I totally lied to you", I admitted sheepishly. "Woah. I kind of knew it. Well do you think she likes you? Are you going to ask her out, like on an actual date?" Ugh, too many questions. "It's a little more complicated than that. I mean I sort of have other obligations." "Like you mean you already have a girlfriend?" Adam asked, obviously confused. "More like an ex-girlfriend. Ugh, you're going to find out eventually so I'm just going to go out on a limb and tell you. I was dating this girl for almost three years and she passed away this past May. That's why I moved here, so I could start fresh. Clare is the first girl since Julia that I've had feelings for and I don't know if I'm ready to be dating someone new." "Oh my God, Eli. I'm so sorry, man. That must be really hard. But maybe Clare could be good for you, you know? Get your mind off of her." "Yeah, maybe", I end the conversation lamely. Math flew by and I told Adam that I was heading off to English early, I wanted to see if I could talk to Clare before class. As I'm walking towards my classroom, I spot Clare standing in the hallway having a heated conversation with some blond loser. "I don't really care, K.C.! You made this bed and you have to lie in it. Well actually you already did and that's why you're in this situation! Have fun playing house with Jenna. And please, don't talk to me anymore" Jenna. That girl who IM'ed me last night? Was Clare and this K.C guy together? There is so much I don't know about her. Clare turns around calmly and heads into the room. I come in just after her and sit my stuff down. "What the fuck was all that about?" I ask her. "Well it's a long story, but let's just say someone's getting their 'Just Desserts'," she kind of chuckles, "K.C. is my ex-boyfriend who cheated on me and now that girl is pregnant; I think it serves them right, honestly." "Yeah, he sounds like an asshole. So I had fun yesterday at lunch, want to maybe hang out today too?" I look at her hopefully and she smiles. "Yeah, I think I can fit you in." Mrs. Dawes starts class and we pass up our papers. I took a peek at Clare's. _Holy fuck, this paper sucks. And she's supposed to be an advanced writer? She's surely only going to get a minimum of a C._ Class is boring for the rest of the period and when the bell rings I get up quickly. I see that Clare is still putting her stuff away so I decided to wait on her. "Do you mind if I walk you to your next class?" "Not at all," she answers, "so do you want to have lunch in the café today or do you want to go to The Dot?" "How about we hang out in Morty today? We could listen to music and talk?" "I think that sounds great," she answered while smiling shyly. I walk her to class in silence, resisting the urge to hold her hand. "This is me", she finally said. I tell her that I'll see her at lunch and go on to my class. Clare never left my thoughts for a second.

I meet Clare at her locker for lunch and lead her out to the parking lot. "So what made you want to get a hearse?" She asked me kind of dumbfounded. "I saw it at a dealership and I just kind of fell in love with it. It was so different than all the kids at my school had and I like being different." She looked at me with an admiring look and then she asked the one question I wasn't expecting. "Where did you move from? And why did you? Sorry I'm being rude, I'm just trying to get to know you better." "Um, I moved here from B.C. and we moved because my parents got a new job here." That wasn't a complete lie. I didn't want to tell her about Julia just yet. And I certainly didn't want to tell her that Julia's death was my fault and all my old classmates hated me now. It just wasn't the right time yet. We spent the whole lunch hour in Morty just asking random questions about each other. I found out her favourite colour was purple and that she wrote vampire fan fiction. I was completely stunned about the latter. She didn't look the type to be writing about something so…steamy. I found out that her older sister now lives in Africa where she volunteers, and that she wants to be a journalist when she graduates from University. _According to her first English assignment, she's going to need a lot of work_ , I added silently in my head. I was having such a good time with Clare that I didn't even notice the bell ringing. "I should be getting to class. I'll see you tomorrow at school?" she asked me. "Yeah, I'll be there. You know, it was really cool getting to you more, Clare. We part our separate ways and finish up the rest of our classes for today. As class was letting out for the day, I make my way towards Morty. I decided I really wasn't ready to go home and I find myself at The Dot. As I get there, I see that it's already starting filling up with kids from Degrassi. At a big table, I recognize that it's full of guys in letterman jackets and girls in cheerleader uniforms. I notice a curvy, platinum blonde girl and the guy Clare was arguing with before English. This had to be K.C. and Jenna. I walk over to the jock table and they stop chatting. Before anyone could say anything to me, I give K.C. a swift punch to the mouth. "That was for Clare, prick. Oh and hey Jenna, before you go IMing guys you don't even know, make sure your boyfriend is okay with it. By the way, how's the baby?" I walk out of the coffee shop before the manager could even say a word.

I drive all the way home with a smile on my face. I notice that my parent's car was in the driveway. I park Morty and rush inside the house. "Hey, guys! I'm home!" My dad is passed out on the couch with the television remote still in his hand. My mom is making dinner and motions me over to the kitchen. "Hey baby boy! I know we haven't been around much since we've moved, but things are about to change. I've missed being home and your father and I have something we want to talk to you about over dinner. So don't make any plans tonight, okay?" _Um well this is weird._ "Uh okay. I'm going to go get started on my homework." "Okay, love. I'll call you when dinners ready." I'm working on my math homework, but I can barely concentrate. _What the fuck is going to happen now? I can't really take any more surprises._ Suddenly, my computer is flooded with IMs.

 **adamT11:** Dude! Drew told me what happened at the Dot! You're such a badass!

 **clareedwards:** Uh, Eli we NEED to talk about what happened at the dot, because you can't go around punching people in my honor!

 **kcguthrie:** you're so dead tomorrow you don't even know, kid.

I smiled a little when I got to the last one, but the one from Clare kind of hurt a little. I thought that she'd be happy I put that fucker in his place, but maybe Clare is the type of girl who'd rather stay out of the spotlight. I was pretty sure I was doing the right thing, and it felt amazing. Punching K.C. was worth whatever trouble I was about to get myself into. I'd beat the shit out of the kid again tomorrow. I close all the IMs from my laptop and decide I'll deal with everything tomorrow. My mom calls me down from dinner and she announces that she has something important to discuss with me. I tell her I also have something I want to talk about and I offer to go first. "So, I know you guys have been worried about me, but it's been months since Julia passed away and since then I've started a new school and made new friends. I have also met this girl, her name is Clare. When Julia died, I thought I would never have feelings for anyone else ever again. But Clare makes me think that my life could be different. I just want to know what you guys think, should I go for it?" I patiently wait for my parents to respond and my dad just starts laughing. _This is not funny, asshole. This is serious_ , I glare at Bullfrog in my head. "Of course, I think you should go for it, Eli! I thought that you were never going to get over this!" my dad finally says. "It's not healthy for you to pine over someone who isn't coming back. I am so happy for you! You need to bring her over so we can meet her." "Um, let's wait until we're actually dating. I don't want to scare her off this early. Cece, what's your big news?" I bring the attention back to my mother. "Well, Elijah, we're going to have another baby!" _Oh my fucking God,_ I thought. And this is the last thing I remember when I hit the floor.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

As I regained consciousness, I felt Cece's warm hand on my forehead. "We're sorry for springing this on you baby boy, but we felt that the earlier we told you, the better. Bullfrog and I are so excited for this new journey and I know you're going to make a rockin' big brother!" I was so confused and honestly kind of angry. "I can't believe this is fucking happening. I've gone through absolute hell the past three months and I'm trying to get my life back together and you two just throw some life altering change at me? Are you fucking _serious_? I honestly don't even know what to say to you guys. It's like you didn't think of me at all!" After I was done with my rant, I looked back to my mother. Her face was a look of total shock; she looked as though I had just punched her in the face. I instantly felt horrible for letting my thoughts explode, but I couldn't help it. It was almost as if I had word vomit. It was quiet for almost five minutes until Bullfrog broke the silence. "Dinner is over, go to your room Elijah Evan". I knew my dad was pissed when he called me by my full name. I leave the table without saying a word and lock my bedroom door behind me. I kick my nightstand and watch as the picture of Julia and I from last year's Sweethearts dance fall to the ground. I shed a single tear as the picture frame shatters. I grab my acoustic guitar that I hadn't touched in months and let the music flow from my fingers to the strings. I start singing along to _I Miss You_ by Jamestown Story:

 _Yesterday was full of tears, knowing death has just been here. All was lost but not forgot, the pain controls my every thought. A new day's battle has begun, all was lost but nothing's won. I can't wait to see the day when the tears all go away. I miss you, I kissed you when we laid you in your grave. I need you to believe you, things were meant to be this way. Today came with shattered dreams, everything's not what it seems. Don't think death won't come get you, cause it will life's misconstrued. Though my battle's just begun, I'm dropping arms and going to run. I can't wait to see the day, when the tears all go away. I miss you, I kissed you when we laid you in your grave. I need you to believe you, things were meant to be this way. I did nothing at all, it's all my fault you're gone. Your face on my wall, it tells it all. Your face on my wall, it tells it all. You will live on._

I first heard Jamestown Story right after Julia died. Actually, I was listening to Hawthorne Heights on YouTube and this song was the next video. After the first verse, I broke into mass hysteria. It was like someone had personally wrote that song about Julia and I. After I was finished with my song, I picked up my favourite picture of us off of the floor and shoved it in the desk drawer. I was so tired of my life being so fucked up. I knew my parents were still going to be upset with me so I couldn't leave the house through my bedroom. I decided to go out the window. With the bedroom door still locked, I quietly opened my bedroom window and climbed down the large oak tree. Once outside, I started up Morty and decided to drive without a destination. I found myself outside The Dot again. I went inside to get a coffee. I could barely choke out my order and quickly went to find a seat before I busted out into tears. After I drank a large coffee, black, I felt a little more human. I took out myself cell phone and dialed up Clare's number. "Hullo?" Ah, the sweet angel voice answered. "Hey, uh Clare? It's Eli." "Hi, Eli. What can I help you with?" She giggled her response and I could almost see her pink, little cheeks flush scarlet. "I was wondering if we could hang out for a little while. I just kind of need a friend right now." "Sure, but do you think you could pick me up? I don't have a license. And don't forget that we still need to talk about what happened at The Dot today." "How does five minutes sound?" I hang up the phone before she could respond and I already feel my mood start to lift.

I arrive at Clare's house and she's already waiting for me on her front porch steps. She's wearing the most gorgeous red sundress and a white headband with a huge bow on the crown of her head. I thought I was going to pass out. I couldn't help but notice how well the dress showed off her curvy figure. "Hey! Thanks for coming to get me. It's cool to hang out with you again." Her smile is enough to make anyone melt into a puddle of goo. "It's no problem, I'm just bored and needed to read some bad writing to entertain me." Just to make sure she knew I was teasing, I gave her my world famous smirk. "Yeah, okay. But have you forgotten, I'm the only sophomore in advanced eleventh grade English? I'm a prodigy, Clare responds with her voice oozing sarcasm, "So where are we going anyway? I should probably mention I have a ten 'o clock curfew." "That's alright, blue eyes. We're actually going to some place super cool". After about twenty minutes of driving, I pull into this beautiful field with wildflowers growing everywhere. _I'm finally going to tell Clare how I feel about her. I hope I don't freak her out though. Because I really cannot take any more bad news today._ "Oh my goodness, Eli! This place is amazing. How do you know about this?" "I actually didn't, ha. I just stumbled upon it." This was actually a lie. The week that we moved to Toronto, I decided to drive around my new town and I found the field. It had reminded me of the times Julia and I would drive around in Morty in B.C. and sleep at the park. It seems like we always had the most in depth talks there. "I thought that we could hang out here and talk" _Fuck, she looks beautiful. Maybe she'll let me kiss her._ I shut Morty off and jump out of the hearse and before Clare could get out, I opened up her door. "I can't let a young prodigy open up her own door, can I?" I probably sounded a little more alluring than I really needed to but if I'm trying to make her fall in love with me, I need every asset I can get. I take Clare's hand and lead her out of Morty and I can feel her hand shaking furiously. _Is she nervous?_ Clare and I talk about the most random things for the longest time. When I take out my cell phone, I notice I have three missed calls from Cece and that it was already almost eight thirty. I knew that if I wanted to tell Clare how I felt tonight, I was going to have to do it now. "Um, Clare. There's a reason why I called you tonight. I have something to tell you." "Okay, um. What is it, Eli?" I realized that now it was _my_ hands that were shaking. "Clare, from the moment that I laid my eyes on you, I knew that we had a connection. Um. I mean I'm trying to say that.." "That you like me?" She finished my sentence. "Uh. Yeah. Like a lot. Like I haven't had this spark in the longest time. You're the first girl that I've had feelings for in a really long time. And what I'm trying to say is that I would really like to try to get to know you better." For a second, I thought Clare was going to cry, hyperventilate, pass out, or all the above. _Shit, this is the part where she tells me she doesn't feel the same and I completely fucked everything up and I don't know why I put myself through this again._ "I'm so glad you said something, Eli because I thought I was the only one who felt that way. I think you're the smartest, most clever guy I've ever met." And for the first time in what felt like forever, I had a genuine smile on my face.

"Oh my God, Clare it's already after nine. If we want to get you back home in time for curfew, we really need to go now." "You're right. But I don't really want to go. But I also don't want to get grounded and not be able to see you anymore." She had a faint smile on her lips and I could tell she was upset that I had to take her home. It was like she had a reason, other than me, why she didn't want to go home. I've only known Clare for less than a week, but it felt like a lifetime already. When I'm with Clare, it's like I'm not the same Eli Goldsworthy from B.C. who killed his ex-girlfriend. I can be the Eli Goldsworthy who's smart and clever and who has a beautiful Christian girlfriend. I realize that if I was ever going to have a real relationship with Clare, I'm going to have to tell her about Julia and that just wasn't a conversation I was ready for. Since I met her, I dreamed of being with Clare, but now knowing that she's going to have to know everything scared the shit out of me and I wished I could take back everything I just told her. "So Eli, now that I know that you like me, I understand why you punched K.C. in the face today. But I'm letting you know, don't you ever do something so irresponsible again! I don't need guys punching out my ex-boyfriends in my honour, okay?" "I didn't necessarily do it in your honour. The guy obviously had it coming. Does he still have feelings for you?" I had to admit that I was a little jealous that he was talking to Clare today. Like because he got some bitch pregnant, he can just go back to Clare. I don't know the entire story, but from Clare's resentment, it seems like he really hurt her. It kills me to know that this idiot hurt Clare, _my Clare._ "I mean I don't think he has feelings for me anymore, I think he's just feeling trapped. He wants to go back to something he can dump when life gets hard. He's used to ditching when the going gets rough." "Well he sounds like a complete jackass." Clare kind of stifles a laugh and responds "Well you're not wrong. But he's my grade nine past, you know?" "And you want me to be your grade ten adventure?" I smirk flirtatiously. "I think you could be." And even in the dark I could see her porcelain skin turn fire engine red.

I get Clare home five minutes before her curfew and I walk her to her door. "Thank you so much for the amazing night, Eli. You're an amazing guy." I put on my confident guy façade and gave her my million dollar smirk, "I've been told that, Edwards." I lean in for a kiss but her mother opens the front door. "Clare, I think it's time you came inside now. Oh hello. You must be Eli. Well, I've certainly heard about you extensively all week. It's nice to meet you but Clare has to go now." And the door just shuts. _Uh okay._ "Yeah, nice to meet you too, Mrs. Edwards." I say obviously to myself. I retreat back to Morty and give my mother a call. There's going to be a tongue lashing from Hell when I get home…


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

When I got home, my parents weren't there. I went to the coffee table where I saw the note Cece had left for me. "Eli, I know you're upset but you can't just run off without telling us where you're going. Bullfrog and I had to go to the station. We WILL talk about this tomorrow. We love you baby boy. Love, Cece". _Ugh._ I didn't want to talk about shit with them. As far as I'm concerned, they're traitors. I go up to the bathroom to take a shower and wash the day off of me. When I got back up to my bedroom, I took the picture of me and Julia out of the desk drawer. "Julia, I loved you. I loved you so much. But I think it's time that I put your picture away. I think I'm in love with Clare." As I talk to Julia's picture I can't help but feel like a freak. _I'm talking to a picture of my dead ex-girlfriend. This is psychotic._ I put the picture back in the drawer and decided to myself that I'm going to tell Clare about her tomorrow. I decide to go to bed before midnight because I will have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. When I woke up in the morning, the first thing I do is reach for my cell phone. I sent Clare a text message. **Clare, meet me in the front of degrassi at 8. I need your help with something.** Almost immediately she sent back: **Okay :).** I decide to forfeit breakfast in regards of making my appearance a little better than normal. I decided to wear a pair of grey skinny jeans, a black A Skylit Drive t shirt, and my favourite 'Black Parade' marching band jacket. I brush my teeth quickly and make my hair incredibly straight. I put some gel in the back to tease it up just a bit. A quick swipe of eyeliner underneath each lid and my guitar pick necklace completed the look. I looked at my alarm clock and it read 7:45am. Crap, I needed to get to Degrassi fast. I grab the picture I put away last night and dashed inside Morty. I put the framed memory in the glove box because I know I'll need it later. I make it to school right on time.

As I was pulling into the parking lot, I noticed Clare on the front steps of the school, and she looked like a fucking supermodel. Clare Edwards, in the flesh, was wearing a pair of very flattering black corduroy skinnies, a red blouse, a tight fitting blazer, and pointy red flats. All I wanted was to pull her into Morty and not come out for the rest of the day. "Hey Clarebear!" I knew that would make her blush. Clare smiles shyly and responds, "Hey, Eli". "So Clare, what do you think about skipping school today?" I gave her a devious smirk and gesture towards Morty. "Are you serious? What about our English paper that's due today? We can't just skip school!" "Oh, Blue Eyes. You worry too much. Come on, I want to do something special today." Clare gives me a wicked grin and jumps up. "Alright Goldsworthy, this better be good." We hop in Morty and I drive to the gas station. "Do you want anything to drink?" "Um, maybe just a bottle of water please." "Anything for you Blue Eyes." As I head into the gas station I pay for Clare's water and my coffee and enough gas to fill up the tank. I head out and fill Morty up with fuel. "Where are we going exactly?" "Um, I thought we could take a little road trip to my hometown." "All the way in British Columbia? Are you crazy?! Oh my God, you're kidnapping me!" "Clare, calm down. There's a reason why we're going. I'm going to explain it all when we get there." I know I was freaking Clare out a little so I decide to turn on some music. _I got your picture, I'm coming with you. Dear Maria, count me in. There's a story at the bottom of the bottle and I'm the pen._ Within the first line, Clare knew what song was playing and her eyes lit up. She was such a sucker for pop punk, wasn't she? It was the cutest thing in the world. Clare was singing and thrashing around the front seat and I was memorized. _I want to be with this girl for the rest of my life_ , I thought to myself. After about three and a half hours of driving, talking, and listening to our favourite songs, we arrived in my hometown. I stopped at the gas station where I went every day after school for years so Clare could use the washroom and I mentally prepped myself for what I was about to do.

When Clare returned back to me, I told her I was going to different landmarks that meant a lot to me. "Okay, this is a little strange date activity but I'm up for it I guess", she giggled. I was terrified but I tried not to show it. Firstly, I took Clare to my old home. "First stop on the Eli train is my childhood home." My old house was a two story, cobblestone, and cottage like. "Wow, this is beautiful. I can't believe you guys just up and left this. It's almost out of a storybook", Clare said marveling over the house that could have been. "Clare, I spent my entire life here and I left it because I had to, not because I wanted to." Clare was obviously confused so I took her to our next stop. Nechako Valley Secondary School. "Clare this was my old high school. I spent my first two years of high school here. And this is where I met Julia." My hands started to shake because I knew Clare was about to learn everything. I had no idea how she was going to take this. Clare was more confused than she was a little while ago. "And who in the world is Julia, Eli?" "Julia is…my girlfriend." Then Clare just stopped. "You..have..a girlfriend?" "No, Clare. Not anymore. Julia passed away last spring." Any angry glare she had on her face had disappeared. "Let me explain. Julia and I were dating for two years and we fought constantly. One night, we were at the park and having a great time. All of a sudden she had a breakdown and we got into a fight. I called her selfish and attention seeking for always starting random fights and she took off, on her bike and in the dark. She was hit by a drunk driver and passed away instantly. The next day when the news broke, all of our classmates and friends blamed me. Even her parents blamed me. My life at school was hell, I was getting bullied and death threats. Everyone called me a murderer. My parents decided that we needed a fresh start. So we moved to Toronto and I guess here I am."

I was waiting for what felt like forever for Clare's response. She just stared out the windshield, not even blinking. "Clare, please say something." Finally, she turned to me and looked me dead in the eyes. "Eli..I don't know what to say. Except that I'm so sorry." "Clare, I don't want you to be sorry." Clare turned away from me and I thought I saw her tear up. "Look, from the day I met you, I knew you were something special. I took you here today to say goodbye to my old life, to say goodbye to Julia. I have one more place to take you, Clare." The drive to the cemetery was a quiet one and the deafening silence was wracking my nerves. When Clare sees our final stop, her eyes get wide. "Eli, no. This seems like this is a private matter. I don't belong here." "Clare, I took you here because I want you to be a part of this. I need to tell Julia that it's over so I can start over with you. I need you to hear what I'm going to say to her." I know that this is completely morbid and fucked up and I regret even coming here but since I'm here, I can't back down. I park Morty right in front of Julia's grave and I take the busted picture from the glove box. "Here goes nothing", I say out loud. I take Clare's hand and walk her towards the headstone.

The massive gravestone read: Julia Eleonore Masterson, beloved daughter. There were dozens of roses and letters that littered the patch of dirt that her casket was under, added to that was my favourite picture of us. "Hey, Julia. I know it's been a long time since I've been here. But there's something I need to say", I suck in my breath and hold in it for a moment before I let it out. I took a quick look at Clare to make sure she didn't pass out and continued. "I'm tired of holding on to the past. You're never coming back and I can't keep punishing myself. Look, I brought someone." I hold up Clare's thin arm and close my eyes. "I met Clare on my first day at Degrassi and she makes me feel like I can do so many good things. I really like her Julia, but I know I can't give her everything she deserves if I'm still holding onto you. So what I'm saying is, goodbye Julia. I hope you're happy wherever you are." I take Clare in my arms and I cradle her face with my hands. Clare's eyes were definitely crying and I could just kick myself for upsetting her. Clare leans in and her lips touch mine. Before I knew it, our lips were moving in sync together and I was out of breath. I pull away from Clare and all I could muster was, "Wow."

Clare's beautiful cheeks were a dark, rosy red when she finally caught her breath. "I kind of wanted to be the one to kiss you first, Edwards. But I'm glad you made the first move. I didn't know if I was going to be able to handle any more emotionally agonizing situations today", I teased her. "Actually Eli, I'm really glad you took me here today. And I'm really happy that you trusted me enough to tell me about Julia. I know that couldn't have been easy for you." I leaned down and gave her another shorter, yet still sweet, kiss. "Clare, will you be my girlfriend?" I took off my guitar pick necklace and reached it out to her. Clare's tears now overflowed and her face scrunched into the prettiest crying face I've ever seen. "Yes! Yes, Eli. I will!" I fastened my favourite necklace around Clare's neck and lured her back to Morty. "Let's get back to Toronto before we get in even more trouble than we're already in", she demanded. _Such an Edwards' response_ , I smiled to myself. Bring on that three and a half hour drive back home. I could spend a lifetime with her.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

We arrived back in Toronto at a quarter 'til five and we were home free. I drove Clare back to her house and Mrs. Edwards was standing on the front porch wearing a very flattering cocktail dress _and_ murderous glare on her face. _Holy shit, day one of being Clare's boyfriend and her mom already hates me. I think that's a new record for me,_ I thought with fake enthusiasm. Clare's eyes widened and a small shriek escaped from her plump lips. With her face buried in her hands, Clare groans and says, "She knows! I know she knows. She looks like she wants to strangle me. Just let me out here. I don't want her to know that I was with you all day, let alone three hours away from home."

I hesitantly stopped Morty and unlocked the door. Before Clare opened the door, I gently grabbed her hand. "Clare, I'm really sorry for getting you into trouble. I just needed to tell you and I felt that was the best way. And I really want your parents to know that it's not your fault at all", I explained. "I'm going to come in there with you and tell them everything." Clare looked horrified but eventually her expression softened. "Um. Alright. I hope they take pity on you." I park Morty in front of the Edward's home and told Clare to wait in her seat for a second. I get out first and walk over to Clare's side. "Whatever trouble I get into, it'll be worth it as long as I'm with you", I say to her as I opened up the passenger side door.

"Clare Diana Edwards! It's almost five in the evening. Where have you been? And have you talked to your father? He was supposed to be home now as well. We have an important church function to go to. Um, hello", Mrs. Edwards stopped ranting to notice I'm standing right beside her daughter, with her hand in mine. "Eli, right? It's very pleasant to see you again, but I really need Clare to get ready for she is probably going to have to take Randall's place tonight." _Does she always talk this damn fast?_ Clare clears her throat loudly and says, "Mom, I know you have met Eli but I want to tell you something. Eli and I are dating." Instead of breaking into a wide, happy smile for her daughter, Mrs. Edward's eyes just turned cold and empty. "Clare, please go get ready. And again, Eli, I'm very sorry but you really need to go now." I give Clare's hand a tight squeeze, then released it. "I'll text you tomorrow, Clare. Okay?" Clare gave a faint smile and followed her mother into their home.

On the way back to my house, I throw on some music. _Hey there, I know it's hard to feel like I don't care at all. Where you are and how you feel, with these lights off as these wheels keep rolling on and on._ I notice The Dot up the road and see K.C. and the other jocks standing outside and I can feel all of my muscles tense up. _Slow things down or speed them up, not enough or way too much. How are you when I'm gone?_ I see K.C. flash me his middle finger as my hearse drives by. _And I can't make it on my own, and I can't make it on my own because my heart is in Ohio. So cut my wrist and black my eyes, so cut my wrist and black my eyes so I can fall asleep tonight, or die. Because you kill me, you know you do, you kill me well. You like it too, and I can tell, you never stop until my final breath is gone._ I pull into the drive way and see Cece and Bullfrog standing there and they looked just as pissed off as Clare's mom. I get out of the hearse and brace myself for the worst.

Bullfrog puts his hands on his face and inhales sharply. "Thank fucking God that you're alright, kid", my dad says softly. "The school called and said you never showed up for class and we were scared shitless. Where the hell where you?" Cece embraces me in a tight hug and then smacks me upside the head. "I can't even begin to understand your thought process, baby! I know that we sprang some tough news on you but there's something else we need to talk about. Let's go inside okay?" _I literally can't even fucking take anymore "news" from these people._ I take a seat on the couch quietly and wait for them to fuck up my world again. "First things first", Cece begins, "Where on earth have you been today?" I take a deep breath and decide that there's no point in lying anymore. "Look guys, I was fine. I took Clare to go see Jules. I needed closure and I needed to tell Clare about my old life. I skipped school one day, so what? This is the most at peace I have felt since I lost Julia. And if you guys can't understand that then I don't know what to tell you. Ground me, I don't care. I needed this." I could feel my words all running together and all I needed now was to just take a toke. I see Cece rubbing her stomach and I can feel the hot tears running down my eyes. "Elijah," my mother says quietly, "we lost the baby." The silence in the room was deafening.

Instinctively, I cradle my mother in my arms, and Bullfrog who is holding both Cece and I, cry for what seems like forever. "I'm so sorry, Cece. I know I reacted badly when you first told me, but I never wanted this to happen". "It's okay baby boy, it wasn't meant to be. I was at the doctor all morning trying to figure out what I did wrong, but sometimes life just happens. I'm just happy you are alright". I choke out a few strangled sobs and start to feel insanely guilty for worrying my parents when they had so much on their minds. "I do want to tell you guys though that Clare and I are a couple. I want you to meet her. I know you guys will love her. I already do". As Bullfrog puts his hand on my shoulder he says, "I'm happy for you son, we can't wait to meet her. And I'm happy you could put some of the past behind you today. I mean we're still extremely angry at you for skipping school, and skipping town for that matter, but I think we can let it slide just this one time. Today has been emotionally draining enough for all of us, I think." I wipe my tears and stand up to hug my parents. "Thank you guys, and I love you. And I'm so sorry about the, you know."

I made my way up to my bedroom and locked the door. I take out my wooden box again and decided that just a little bit of herb will make me feel better. I am instantly relaxed by the thick smoke in my lungs and I decide to call Clare. I pull out my cell phone and dialed her number. No answer. _God damn it. I really hope Clare's parents aren't too hard on her for skipping school. This is all my fault._ I decided to call Adam in hopes that he wasn't too busy to meet at the Dot. I dialed his number and he answered on the first ring. "Hey Eli!", his high pitched voice rang through my cell, "What's up? Have fun skipping school today?". "Can you meet me at the Dot? I really need to talk about stuff." "Sure, come get me". I finish smoking my bowl and tell my parents that I'm leaving. I know that it's not really a good idea to drive high, but I swear that I'm an even better driver when I am.

I arrive at Adam's house and he jumps into Morty. "Man, everyone was so worried about you and Clare today! Where did you guys go? Are you guys like, dating now?" Adam was talking so fast that he made my head spin. "Adam. One question at a time please. I took Clare to my hometown today and told her about Julia. You know me, I have to do shit in a creative, fucked up way. And to answer your question, yes. Clare and I are officially together now." We arrive at the Dot and we go inside and order coffees. "Look, I really need to talk to you about some stuff. I know we haven't known each other very long, but you and Clare are like my closet friends here." Adam has a severely confused look on his face but he allows me to continue. "The other day, my mom told me she was pregnant. I was so angry at my parents for making my already hard life, harder. And now today, when I got home from my little trip, my mom told me that she lost the baby. I feel like complete and utter shit and Clare's parents are mad at her for skipping school and I feel like I'm fucking up everything". "Wow, Eli. I'm sorry to hear about your mom", Adam says with what looks like tears in his eyes. "I'm sure they don't blame you for her losing the baby though." "Yeah, I know they don't and that makes me feel even worse." "I am really happy for you and Clare though. You guys seem so perfect for each other." Adam and I's conversation was interrupted by someone's fist going directly at the side of my head.

"OW! WHAT THE FUCK!" I'm dazed and confused when I woke up. I'm on the ground and K.C. is glowering over me. "You're done fucking with my life, shithead. You and Clare are NOT going to last long. I'll make sure of it." K.C.'s words are ringing in my head and I'm wondering how bruised my face is going to be later. _Why is K.C. so pissed off that Clare and I are official if he's having a baby with Jenna?_


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

I'm still laying on the ground at the Dot completely shocked. Adam takes me by my hand to lift me up off the floor. "Are you alright man?" he says worriedly. I look Adam dead in the face and say, "I don't care how I do it, but K.C. is going the fuck down." After I regain some clarity, I decide to drive Adam back and go home so I can ice my face. My mother is sitting in the living room looking through photo albums when I walk through the front door. "Baby boy! What in the hell happened to your face?" I join her on the couch and gave her a slight smile. "Some kid at the Dot gave me the old one two", I joke with her. With an exhausted look, she goes into the kitchen for an icepack. She silently lets a tear drop on her neon pink skinny jeans and quickly wipes her face. "Ugh. You are so much like Bullfrog when he was your age", she lets out a small chuckle. "It's almost nine, honey. I think you need to ice that bruise and probably go to bed." "But it's Friday, Cece", I start to protest with her but the look in her eye made me want to back down fairly quickly.

I go on up to my room and change out of my clothes from the day. I feel completely exhausted from the events of today and can't wait to go to sleep. I give Clare a call and she answers on the third ring. "Hullo?" "Hey Clare bear. Uh, I think we need to talk about something." When I'm explaining to Clare what had happened at the Dot, she explodes. "He did WHAT? Oh my gosh, are you alright? Why did he do that? I'm so going to have to kill him now. He thinks just because he screwed up his life, he can screw up mine?" With all of Clare's rambling, she starts to give me a headache. "Clare, honey, it's okay. Just because he ruined my face, doesn't mean he's going to ruin our relationship." I give her a small chuckle just to let her know I'm joking. "I promise, I'm going to make sure this all blows over. Do you have any plans for tomorrow? I thought I could take you out on a proper date that doesn't involve cemeteries ha ha." I hear Clare make a small smile on the other end. "No, I'm not doing anything. Actually, that sounds wonderful. I'm going to try to get some sleep. And so, should you. Good night, boyfriend." My face gives an extra goofy grin. "Good night girlfriend. Sleep tight!" Click.

As I place on cell on the charger, I could hear my mother crying in the bathroom. "Why us, God? I understand that I don't really practice my faith, but You are my Savior. I didn't mean to lose you along the way. I knew that when I married John, he didn't see eye to eye on my reglious beliefs and maybe that's why you're doing this. I just would like some clarity. I love my family more than anything, but maybe I should start putting you first." I was extremely confused listening in to CeCe's conversation with a fictional storybook character in the next room. I was raised atheist and I had no idea that my mom did not share the same belief. In our household, God wasn't someone we prayed to when we sat down for dinner, we never went to church. My dad never spoke of religion, it just wasn't a topic to converse. I honestly never even thought about God or Christianity until I met Clare. CeCe had stopped talking and I figured that it would be best if I just left it alone. I put on my noise canceling headphones and fell asleep to dream of all the could be's and what if's tomorrow would bring.

I wake up at nine in the morning and decide to take a shower. The water pressure hurts the side of my face where K.C. decked me the night before. Standing in the hot water, I start to think of my moms little breakdown last night. I wanted to ask her more about her religious beliefs, but I didn't want her to know that I was listening. I get dressed and try to cover the bruise somewhat with some of my mom's foundation. It was kind of a half assed success and I come downstairs to find my parents talking at the kitchen table. "Good morning, Eli", my dad begins, "I see you got yourself a shiner." He starts to laugh hysterically. "Aha. Yes, make fun of the emo kid who got the shit kicked out of him. Real funny", I say pretty annoyed. "So what the hell happened?" "Well this kid, who's Clare's ex boyfriend, I guess found out that we're together and decided to punch me. I don't really know the full story between them. I'm talking Clare on a date today and I'm going to ask some more questions about him." My mother starts to get a worried look across her face. "You know baby, I don't really want you getting into a lot of fights. Can't you just let bygones be bygones and just let it go?" "Are you FUCKING kidding me?" Bullfrog and I yell at exactly the same time. "Cece, you can't just let someone hit you and forget about it. Eli here is a man. And men don't back down." Cece glare at her husband and Bullfrog retracts his statement. "Um. Well. I mean, if your wife says so, then I guess you have to." I roll my eyes at my parents, they are some of the goofiest people. "Well I think I'm going to give Clare a call and see if she's ready for our date. I'll talk to you guys later." "We love you, baby boy!"

I head out to Morty to call Clare, but as I'm dialing her number my phone rings. "Hey Clare! I was just about to call you. What time should I pick you up?" Clare stays silent for a moment before speaking, "About that Eli, I really don't think that today is a good day for this." I ball my fists so tight that my knuckles are white on top of my already pale skin. "Are you sure, Clare? I mean, I had everything all planned out." I take out a Marlboro red out of the squished box in my pocket and light it up. "Eli, it's not that I don't want to, because I do, its just that my parents are fighting. I didn't want to mention it before because you've already had a lot of the Clare drama, but my parents have been fighting for a while now. It's just getting increasingly worse. I just want to stay here just in case something happens." I finish my cigarette and flip the butt out on the driveway. "Clare, maybe it would be best if I came over. Surely your parents won't argue in front of a guest. We could just hang out in the dining room, listening to music or something." I can practically hear Clare stand up in excitement. "Wow, you're right. That'd be awesome! Can I expect you in about 15?" "That sounds great, blue eyes. See you think" Click. My heart aches for Clare that she's going through that. Luckily for me, my parents have a great relationship, I have never heard them fight at least. But the thought of the conversation my mom had in the bathroom last night by herself to some great Holy being was still in the back of my mind. Was there something going on with my parents relationship? Was Bullfrog really that against religion that my mom would have to give up her entire faith just to be with him? I was starting to get pissed off. I would never ask Clare to stop believing in God just to be with me. Hell, I might even go to church with her if it made her happy.

I lit another Marlboro, switched on my aux, and headed over to Clare's house. _Please don't hate me for what I've done. Run away with me, I'll be everything that you need. Such a pretty girl screams_ _to me, take my hand take my breath away._ Listening to Alesana just gives me a certain feeling of calmness. When I pulled up to Clare's street, I ditched my cigarette and popped a tic tac. I also turned my music to reasonable volume. I parked my hearse and walked straight up to the door. As I was reaching my arm out to knock on the door, it swung open impatiently. The next thing I know, Clare has latched onto my torso and greeted me with an aggressive kiss on the cheek. "Hi, Eli. Thank you so much for coming over. Once I told them that I was expecting a guess, they cooled their arguing for the time being". "It's absolutely not an issue, Clarebear. I just want to spend time with you, no matter what we're doing". I see from what I would assume is Clare's father come from another room, right up to where I and his daughter are standing. "When Clare had mentioned a friend coming over, I think she conveniently left out that her friend is a boy. Nice to meet you, young man. I'm Randall Edwards, Clare's father". Mr. Edwards reaches out his hand for me to shake and I reciprocate the gesture. "Hello, I'm Elijah Goldsworthy, but I liked to be called Eli". I tried to make my voice sound as musical as possible. "Clare, can you please let your mother know that I'm going to the office to finish up some paperwork before the weekend. Oh, and Clare, can you and your guest please stay downstairs?" "Of course, dad", Clare rolled her eyes at her father, "bye." As Clare's father walks out the door, she quickly and quietly walks to her mother's room to let her know where her husband had gone and you can hear the ever so subtle sniffling of a woman crying. My heart is literally breaking for Clare's family.

Clare and I had spent the afternoon watching silly videos on the internet and laughing until our stomach's ached and then I hit Clare with a question she wasn't prepared for.


End file.
